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A
positive spin can always be put on a comment !
Political
Correctness
-No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
- You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
- Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
- Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook
experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
- You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic
footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on
a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of
near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."
Questions you hope your students
don't ask!!
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick
to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from
a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
you turn on the headlights?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol
if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for
$1.58. The counter girltook my $2 and I was digging for my change
when I pulled 8 cents from mypocket and gave it to her. She stood
there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen
on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to
just give me two quarters,but she hailed the manager for help. While
he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Hiscost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Hiscost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Hiscost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underlinethe number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990 By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
loggermakes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How
did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the
trees. (There are no wrong answers.)
Steven Wright Humor
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and
all of my stuff had been stolen.. and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and
amusement. Here are some of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese. 11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before
we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread. 29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
It's a teacher thing, you wouldn't understand...
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens
as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of
the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter
a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?
6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you
in a checkout line?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who
repairs your car nice?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic
who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 9. Do you sing
the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone
book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand
him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to
share with the group?
* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked
on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling.
* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too much*
in your soul--you should probably begin thinking about retirement.
* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it--you'll *always* be a
teacher, retired or not!
Subject: 1st graders . . .
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and
she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind
that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one
is classic!
1. Don't change horses................................until they
stop running.
2. Strike while the .....................................bug is
close.
3. It's always darkest before.................... Daylight Saving
Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .......................... looks dirty.
7. Nonews......................................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .............................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ................ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............. stink in the
morning.
11. Love all, trust ........................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is ........................................the
best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who .............................. gets all
the presents.
16. A penny saved is .................................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .......................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............. you put on to
go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and ......you
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ................... get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture
on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind ..................
get out of the way. And the WINNER and last one.....!
25. Better late than.........................................pregnant.
Teachers Salaries
By Anonymous Contributor
I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides.
What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd
pay these teachers myself...I'd pay them Babysitting wages. That's
right. Instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00
an hour out of my own pocket. And I'm only going to pay them for
five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each
parent should pay $15 a day for these teachers to babysit their
children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper
than private day care. Now, how many children do they teach in a
day, maybe twenty? That's $15 X 20 = $300 a day. But remember they
only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all those
vacations. $300 X180 = $54,000. (Just a minute, I think my calculator
needs batteries.) I know you teachers will say, "What about those
who have ten years of experience and a Master's degree?" Well, maybe,
(just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage, and instead of
just babysitting, they could read the kids a story. We can round
that off to about $5.00 an hour, times 5 hours, times 20 children...$5.00
X 5 X 20. That's $500 a day times 180 days. That's $90,000. HUH?
Wait a minute...! Let's get a little perspective here. Babysitting
wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide
around here???!!!
CHOCOLATE IS A VEGETABLE
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are
plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate
is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also
contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered
raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as
fruit, so eat as many as you want. If you've got melted chocolate
all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. The problem: How
to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The
solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar
before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll
eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump
out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this
with other snack foods as well.) If I eat equal amounts of dark
chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they
actually counteract each other? Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat
more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice
box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate,
it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need
for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
You can't let that happen, can you?
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat like crazy. I could
deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly
cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you
swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yep..... I wanna be a bear.
YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF..
1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin
salt lick.
2. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work
8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the
report card.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you do not know and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much
easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit
before being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room
as the "lounge".
12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools
or home schooling.
13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give
a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you
heard it uttered.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says,
"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be fun."
16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why
is this kid like this?
Cows ??
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to
the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they
track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate
11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.
Thirteen thoughts to ponder today.......
13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...
12. Life is sexually transmitted...
11. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die...
10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection make him a sandwich..
9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...
8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down
the stairs...
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing...
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention
to criticism...
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and
a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these Terrorists. Most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you are two days
late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we
should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration & Homeland Security...
THE YEAR 1904
The year is 1904 ... one hundred years ago. What a difference a
century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call
from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved
roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California
was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The tallest
structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average U.S.
worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant
could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S.took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned
in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or
egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people
from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia
and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii,
and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two of 10 U.S. adults
couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated
high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears
the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach
and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time
servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years . It staggers
the mind.
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